Life with Social Anxiety

 I feel frozen in time. I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel human. I don’t feel like I deserve normal human things. 

I have dreams. I have wants. I have needs. But it’s all so overwhelming, I don’t know where, or how, to start. Here I am, 40 years old, and what have I succeeded in? What do I have to show for it? A whole lot of nothing. I’ve done nothing special. I’ve achieved zero life goals. 

I grew up kind of sheltered, didn’t have many friends, and was afraid of everything. Anything new caused such an immense amount of anxiety that my entire life has been finding ways to avoid things rather than live. 

I never finished high school. There’s a host of reasons why, some in my control, some not. Or, at least, they felt out of my control at the time. Of course, now I can think of some things I could have done differently, but you know what they say about hindsight. It’s 20/20. Actually, I kind of hate that phrase, because in hindsight,  there’s still a lot that I don’t actually have clarity on, but I digress. 

I found out that, through the local community college, you can take their adult learning program all online, for a high school diploma equivalent. I wouldn’t even have to face my many, many fears to attend in person. It could very well be a small step in the right direction of fixing my life. Perfect, right? Nope. Wrong. 

In order to get into the program, one requirement is to meet with a counsellor to complete an assessment. Here’s the issues with that:

- The person I depend on to take me places works during all of the open hours

- I do not have a license 

- Getting one would require passing a driving test with a stranger judging me

- I would have to take a bus

- I am very directionally challenged/can’t remember landmarks, places, surroundings

- People

- What if I don’t have the correct change for fare?

- What if the times are off and I’m late/way too early?

- What, exactly, do I do when I get there?

- What door do I use?

- Where do I go?

- Who do I talk to?

- What if I fumble my words? 

- What if I freeze up, and they think I’m dumb?

These probably sound so silly to most people, but to those of us who have lived with this level of anxiety, we know. We know that all consuming, gripping, irrational fear that takes over us, leaving us incapable of taking action. We enter what people call fight or flight mode, but to us - only flight is an option. No matter how much you want to select the fight option, that selection is greyed out, leaving flight - a glowing button with led lights marching like ants around it - remains. 

Yes, we know it is irrational. No, knowing this does not just magically fix it. Telling us does not fix it! WE KNOW. WE GET IT. Like the brain sending a signal to your toe when you bang it on the leg of the coffee table after pausing your Netflix show to run to use the bathroom, our brains are sending a signal as well. Does telling yourself, “This doesn’t hurt!” make it stop hurting? 

I’m not saying to not try to talk your friend or loved one out of an anxiety attack, or try to talk through their feelings of fear and anxiety. Most people do genuinely want to help in some way. This is more about the people who just dismiss how we are feeling. 

- “You’re fine.”

- “You’re overreacting.”
- “There’s no reason to feel that way.”

There’s something about words like that that make me feel less than. It doesn’t teach/train my brain to stop unleashing those signals to my nerves - it teaches my brain to keep those thoughts inside, pretend like I simply agree, and seek ways to get out of/avoid the things that cause the anxiety. 

The worst, for me, is the dismissive “Well why?” 

I wish I could answer that. To be fair, MOST people who ask me why don’t really want/expect an answer to why. They are only seeking for me to just simply do the thing I’m having anxiety about, and even if I could toss out a logical reason behind my anxiety (not everything is irrational), they’d simply dismiss that as well, with one of those three statements above. 

To get back to the issue in this piece, I do not have an answer to why for these particular things. I know the fear is unfounded. I know I’m being irrational. I know that any answer other than anxiety is just an excuse. 

I also know that to the vast majority, anxiety isn’t a good enough reason. I'm done being ashamed of what those people think.

This is the start of me sharing my journey. What do I hope to get from this?

Personal growth. Digging deep into my own thoughts, and attempting to make sense of them.

Finding people who can relate. Hoping someone finds this post who feels similar, maybe someone else who also feels an incredible amount of shame with how they are feeling, and just letting them know they aren't alone.

A faint hope that someone who doesn't understand will be able to see this side of things and perhaps not be so quick to judge or dismiss someone in their own lives.

I will end this post with a personal goal of the week of my own, that I will invite you to join me on - or create your own goal if you're not ready yet (I see you, you are valid), or you are already surpassed my level. Feel free to leave a comment with the goal you choose, if any!

GOAL: Leave the house and go for a small walk.